When Self Love Isn't Enough

Some days it’s easy to love yourself, and some days it’s really hard. I work in the world of professional coaching and I hear this message touted all the time: We have to take responsibility for creating our own results, and we have to love ourselves in order to make changes.

I agree with these principles to an extent - but sometimes all the self love in the world doesn’t change the fact that a situation really just blows.

Take, for example, the experience of a woman living in a larger body and the barriers she faces due to systemic prejudices. Women living in larger bodies:

-       have a harder time getting approval for medical procedures like surgeries, joint replacements and fertility treatments

-       make an average of $9,000-$19,000 less than their thin counterparts

-       have to take extra care when navigating public spaces, such as airports and restaurants and doctor’s offices, to make sure they can sit or eat comfortably

No amount of self love is going to change these facts for many larger-bodied women.  

What we can do is acknowledge how painful these situations are, and help our friend, sister, mom or cousin figure out how they can find their power in these situations. 

Here are a few ways you may be able to help them:

-       Advocate with or for them at a doctor’s office.

-       Help them figure out if they love their job and want to stay regardless of their salary or if they want to move on to a different job that will pay them fairly.

-       Listen with empathy and don’t treat your fat friend as a failed thin person.

If you’re living in a larger body: 

-       Who can you turn to for support?

-       Who can you bring with you to an appointment?

-       Who can you find who sees you for who you are doesn’t try to convince you to lose weight or workout more or eat a salad in order to be more lovable or complete?

-       Know who these people are in your life. Lean on them and keep them close. They are your community and want to help.

As a coach, I help clients deal with the reality of what is, without attaching blame or shame. We work through problems, find solutions and figure out ways to take back power, even in tough situations.  

I talk to my clients about self-love, but I also work with them to understand that self-love isn’t going to change the bigger problem of systemic and institutionalized prejudice and oppression. Individuals shouldn’t be made to feel less than, or shamed, or bullied because a system is broken. We need to help remind them that they aren’t the ones who are broken.    

Self love can change a person on an individual level, though. And it’s one-person-at-a-time that’s eventually going to keep propelling fat activism and the rights of all people to the forefront of social justice.  

Keep loving yourself, no matter what.