Why I Don’t Comment On People’s Weight Anymore.

I used to do this all the time. 

"Wow! You look great. You’ve lost a lot of weight! How did you do it?”

I hear moms all the time commenting to other moms, saying, “Ohhhh, you look so skinny! You look amazing!” "Have you seen her lately, she's lost so much weight!" The verbal high-five, slap on the back, atta girl words of praise. 

Years ago, those kinds of compliments always fueled me to work even harder to maintain my “perfect physique” so I could continue to receive compliments from friends, family, clients, or strangers. 

I would dole out those kinds of compliments to other people, too. 

I now realize the extraordinary amount of pressure that weight-related compliments place on people. Praising someone’s appearance might seem like an encouraging, supportive, or nice thing to do—but it’s really not.

Why? 

So many reasons. 

Firstly, you don’t know how—or why—she lost weight.

Let’s say you notice that someone’s body has changed. Her cheekbones are more defined. Her waistline is smaller. She has lost weight! You immediately begin heaping praise on her. But hold on a sec—maybe she lost weight because she’s grieving a devastating loss in her life, like the death of a loved one, an ugly break-up or divorce, and has lost her appetite due to grief. Maybe she’s battling cancer. Maybe she has a serious gastro-intestinal disease. Maybe she has developed an eating disorder, like anorexia, bulimia, or orthorexia. Maybe she’s a survivor of sexual assault, or rape, and has lost weight due to PTSD. You’re praising someone for how “great” they look, when she might be going through a horrific ordeal. 

Or, maybe she lost weight because she went on a diet. Well, diets almost never lead to long-term weight loss. Very few people (almost none, basically unicorns) can maintain diet-induced weight loss for a period of 2-5 years or longer. The rare unicorns who can usually do so at the expense of their mental sanity—they are completely obsessed with food and food related thoughts. By praising someone for going on a diet, you’re heaping additional pressure on their shoulders to keep off the weight they’ve lost, which is virtually impossible. 

Before you praise someone for losing weight, stop and consider how your words might harm them.

The next time you see a friend or family member, try giving a compliment that has nothing to do with their weight. For example:

“You’re so creative. I love how your mind works.”

“You are hysterical! You should seriously do stand-up comedy.”

“I always look forward to reading the articles that you write in the school newsletter. You really have a way with words.”

“I admire the way you parent your kids. You’re so nurturing and patient.” 

“I love how you’re always doing spontaneous things—like packing up and taking a road trip at the last minute. You inspire me!”

Or, simply say, “I’ve missed you!” or, “It’s great to see you. How are you doing?” And really listen to their answer. 

Because in the end, being heard—and being seen for who you truly are on the inside, not the outside—is so much more valuable than receiving superficial praise about your body. 

Text a non-weight-related compliment to your best friend right now.

Let’s create a world where, “oh my gosh, you look so skinnnnnnnny!” is no longer considered the highest form of praise.

xoxo,