The Five Stages Of Grief

I sat in the sterile office staring out the window covered in blinds that had at least a quarter inch thick of dust obstructing my lackluster view of the highway. Once I started talking and tears were flowing, I asked for a kleenex. I had forgotten that I already had the box behind me. 

The last 14 months seem to have brought up more grief than I can remember in my life. It’s been a lot to process grieving the loss of celebrating milestones with friends and family, the loss of jobs, the loss of school community and school events, the loss of holiday gatherings, the loss of loved ones old and young, the loss of social connections and the loss of travel. 

Since I can’t time travel to my pre-Covid, less grief filled life, I’ve been doing some of my own grief processing. I was reminded about the five stages of grief model introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression,and acceptance. These stages were originally used to show how patients coped with an illness or dying. While these stages may not be useful as a direct correlation to dealing with grief in general, I think parts or all of the model can be applied to any loss in life. 

You might be wondering, what do these five stages have to do with food and body? A lot, actually. When you commit to an anti-diet journey,you’re going to visit (some or all of) these five stages one or many times.

First, there’s denial. You might hear yourself say something like: “But I still want to be thin because there’s privilege in that and I’ve spent {months/years/decades/lifetime} identifying with a thin self. There has to be some way that I could find a plan, detox, diet, calorie counter device that would work”. During denial, we want to cling to a false, preferable reality. The reality is that our world is full of diversely shaped bodies and it’s very difficult to override our genetics and permanently alter our size without causing physical and/or mental harm. Do we really want to live in a world where everyone is a size 4?

Then there’s anger. Once you recognize that the denial can’t continue, frustration is inevitable. A common question you might ask yourself during this stage is “Why me?” Or you might think “It’s not fair!” “Why do I have to be the one with the bigger body?” The world favors thinness in healthcare, fashion, transportation and at work (just to name a few). A genuine anger of all the time, money and energy spent on a system that’s based on you participating in your own oppression (aka treating yourself like crap) is very common. 

Then you might move on to bargaining. This is the time when you might try negotiating with the “dieting gods”. Just let me try one more diet and see if *this* is the magic one I've been looking for. If I could just get one more chance, I think I could do it and be part of that 2-5%. Never mind that repeated dieting is often harder on your body than staying at your initial stable weight. Even the “successful” 2-5% of dieters often show signs that are indicative of disordered eating. The dieting gods don’t really care about you. Caring doesn’t include deprivation and disconnection from your body. 

Then there’s a genuine sadness. A real sense of acknowledgment that our society really does favor thin bodies and that your body type might not be the one that’s praised and splattered all over billboards or airbrushed onto magazine covers. A sadness that what the diet gods offered you in their “promised land” isn't really attainable, sustainable or practical for the vast majority of people. 

Then there’s acceptance. The facts are the facts. Diets don’t work 95-98% of the time. Thinness doesn’t equal health. My worth isn’t determined by my size. My body is a biological being that isn’t meant to be controlled and even if I do try to control her, she wins every time. So I might as well work on figuring out what my real values are, who I want to be and how I want to show up in this world, how to sit with difficult or painful emotions and accepting the hell out of what I’ve got. Because Covid has taught all of us that life is precious and, sadly, can be cut short. It’s worth finding that silver lining no matter how thin the thread is that you can hold onto to help you move forward. 

Where are you on the journey?

Be patient with yourself. 

Breathe. 

One day at a time. 

Stay hopeful during the low times. 

Find a community, a therapist or a coach to support you and make sure there’s some Kleenex nearby. 

xoxo, 

PS. No matter where you might be on your anti-diet journey, click here for support in Peace Out Diets. Or click reply to set up a FREE consult call.